Becoming Yourself
For most of my career, growth meant looking outward. I studied coaches I admired, borrowed ideas from leaders I respected, and paid attention to what seemed to work. When I stepped into a new role, I wanted to understand what excellence looked like there and then get to work becoming more of it.
I still believe there is value in that. We borrow. We imitate. We admire. We experiment. None of that is failure—it is part of becoming. The danger isn’t trying on different faces. The danger is forgetting to take them off.
I’ve felt that tension again since leaving basketball and stepping into executive coaching. Without the familiar identity of Head Coach, I found myself looking around for clues all over again. What should an executive coach sound like? What do I need to know to coach a CEO? How am I supposed to show up in these rooms?
Different role. Same temptation.
Who do I need to become to belong here?
Then I heard performance psychologist Dr. Gio Valiante describe identity in a way that helped me see the question differently.
🎥 [~0:52] Watch — “Finding a Face of Our Own”
(From The Knowledge Project with Dr. Gio Valiante)
💭 Why It Matters
We talk so much in leadership about knowing yourself. Know yourself to lead yourself. Be authentic. Be you—everyone else is taken. I’ve used some version of those ideas myself. But after listening to Gio, I found myself thinking about something slightly different: What does it mean to become yourself?
That’s what I find so enlightening about the way Gio talks about identity. Trying on different faces isn’t something we need to avoid; it’s actually part of the process. We search, explore, take risks, borrow from people we admire, and try different things. Eventually, if we’re paying attention, we begin to recognize what fits and what doesn’t. That’s me. That’s not me. This is who I am.
The more I’ve done this work, the more I’ve realized that knowing ourselves requires knowing what we stand for. We have to unearth our values, not because they sound good on paper, but because they give us something to come back to. For me, connection, growth, and care have become that ground. They don’t require me to show up the same way in every room, but they remind me who I want to be when I get there.
Living from our values doesn’t mean we never drift. I certainly do. Some days I am open, curious, grounded, and committed to learning. Other days I become defensive, reactive, and more interested in protecting myself than growing. The difference isn’t whether we drift. The difference is whether we notice—and choose to return.
The work was never becoming someone new. It was having the courage to set those identities down long enough to discover who remained.
📌 Quote of the Week
“When we try too hard to create what we think other people want, it's never going to ring true.”
— Will Guidara
💬 Reflective Questions
Where are you currently trying to become the person you think the role requires?
The next time you notice yourself performing, proving, or protecting, what would returning to your values look like?
✍️ Closing
Becoming ourselves doesn't mean we stop learning from the people around us. Maybe it means we know ourselves well enough to recognize what fits, what doesn't, and what we want to come back to.
Thanks for dropping in.
📅 Ready to lead from the inside out? Let’s connect.
See. Serve. Empower.
— Angel